Q) What does the term “single malt scotch” mean?

A) I’m not a librarian, Google is your friend.

Q) Have you had all of them?

A) Hell no, they keep making new ones.

Q) How many have you had?

A) In one day, 13 new ones…my lucky number. That’s not counting beers on the side.

Q) Which is your favorite?

A) The one in front of me.

Q) How come you don’t have tasting notes?

A) I think they’re horseshit, you don’t have my taste buds.

Q) What’s the difference between peated vs. unpeated?

A) Just guessing…maybe the peat?

Q) Which one should I buy my father-in-law?

A) The most expensive you can afford.

Q) I’ve had $2,000 shots of single malt scotch. Have you?

A) And did you piss it out ten minutes later too?

Q) What do you think of fancy boxes?

A) They don’t make it taste any better. And if you think a crystal bottle justifies a $20,000 price, you’re an idiot.

Q) What makes a good bar?

A) Depends upon the women, and how many drinks they’ll buy you.